Not Dead Yet!

Its been too long since the 1Upper came around to tell tales of grandeur and lies that is not to say that our friend Rachel has stopped her imagination from running wild. The 1Upper has gotten busy and quite frankly has gotten lazy. We apologize its has been nearly a year. But the wait is over! Read on!



JAWS


So recently Rachel has made it known that in a couple of days she will be going to Hawaii on a holiday. Rachel has said that it was always her dream to snorkel at the Great Barrier Reef in Hawaii. Now I know its been a real long time since any one of us has had third grade geography so its understandable how Rachel can get confused. I mean Australia and Hawaii are both islands in the same ocean that has to make them the same thing! But just to clarify:



Now giving Rachel the benefit of a doubt (why I dont know) she could have just meant any reef. But no, she wanted to snorkel at the Great Barrier Reef before its completely destroyed. So at least Rachel does know that the GBR is being destroyed so we give her credit for that. Going on she said her biggest problem about snorkeling is being confronted by a shark. But dont worry! Rachel's bodybuilding boyfriend and her brother have given her sage advice on the situation: "Swim next to someone smaller and weaker than her so she can swim away"

Now that we think about it if she was out snorkeling with her brother and "boyfriend" would she be the weakest one out of the three? I mean no one here claims to be an olympic swimmer of any sorts but its just simple science that a larger person would have a harder time swimming away than a smaller person given that both have the same expertise in swimming. But of course we aren't just satisfied in justifying ourselves with common sense here so we contacted a friend of ours who is an expert on marine life. We gave him the scenario presented to us and after he stopped laughing he told us "that sharks will attack at any moment without warning but they more drawn to fatty blubber (found in whales, seals)" and "sharks do not hunt in packs normally or attack the weakest animal as a lot of animals do when hunting prey"

But I thought it about a bit more, why would Rachel be scared of sharks out there? They mainly do attack seals things with a decent amount of fat...oh wait.

Either way you would think the coast guard in "Hawaii" would make sure they would only allow snorkelers in the safer areas of the reef if there is ever a threat of sharks or any other predators in the water. Maybe we are just thinking too logical, what a concept.

Hey but no one will be worry if this does happen:

Deep Throat

(As told to us)

"It's funny how little people know about anything that is medical. Just the other day I overheard two employees talking, one of them said that she couldn't take any kind of pill, for fear of not being able to swallow it and it getting stuck in her throat. The other told her had a phobia of taking pills and that the problem was all in her head. I couldn't stop laughing, this was like working with toddlers. Of course I had to interject, I told them that fear is not the problem, many people suffer from extremely small throats or as we in the medical field say, "small esophagi" Anyways, they were both suprised to hear this and I had to calm them down. I told them that its all actually really simple, first they had to go get a cat scan and after that the doctor will more than likely will want to do an operation to enlarge your esophagus, this procedure is pretty common. After they get that done she will be able to swallow pills and all it will cost her is some time and around $1500-$5000."



-----I just want to say I am glad "Rachel" is not my doctor. The other two employees had a fear of pills or swallowing it had nothing to do with having a "small esophagi," so whats does the local MD advise? Get a "common" procedure done. A quick google search on enlarging an esophagus shows that the doctors literally need to scrap tissue away from the sides to make the opening bigger. And this seems to be the solution in cases where the patients have chest/throat diseases not phobias. The good news out of all of this that even though the other two employees are scared of pills, they aren't stupid and did not heed the good doctor's advise.

Border Hopping or Flip Flopping?

If you haven't read the Border Hopping entry scroll down below and give it a quick read and come back.

Just a little follow-up to the story about "Rachel" and her "flashing incident"

So earlier today a fellow employee overheard a conversation between "Rachel" and a few other employees here at the office. One of the employees mentioned about driving down to Mexico for the weekend. To which our good buddy replied, "Oh I'm too scared to go to Mexico, I would never go there!"

-----You know the funny thing about all this I swear at least once every two weeks she mentions about how she did something in Mexico to our side of the office, but yet tells people on the other side of the office she has never been and is too scared. Is she some sort of 007 who cant tell the truth for sake of world stability or just a habitual liar? I believe the latter, problem is she probably beleives the former.

Lawrence of Armenia

(As told to us)

"I have been dating this hairdresser for months, its great because he knows exactly how to do my hair and free! HAHAHAHA! Well, we are going to break up because his family is pressuring him to take an armenian virgin! Of course he told me that if he had a choice he would be with me, but he doesn't have a choice. Get this he wants to be with me so much that he wants me to move back to armenia with him, but I don't want to do that because I want to work.

So afterwards I had a talk with his mom and she like me of course, but then a week later he told me that his mom still wanted him to be with an armenian. I told you know we make enough money we don't need anyone else we can make it together with our two combined salaries, but he said he couldn't. So we didn't have much of a choice and had to break up."

----You know there really isnt too much The Office 1Upper can say to this. I mean sure she was dating the hairdresser the same time she was dating the guy from austrailia and while with the body builder, but I am not one to question the validity of her "dates." This may be the "one that got away" to our friend here, we here like to think of it more as the "one that ran away"

XLingual

First off sorry its been a while for not adding anything lately the office has all been a bit busy lately.

Now back to our Feature Presentation (as told to us):

"I was in the break room at work talking to some of the part-timers here who are full-time students about going overseas. They mentioned to me that the language barrier was a problem for them. I was compelled to tell them that this wasn't a problem for me at all! I felt it was my duty to help them out so I let them in on my secret. All experienced world travelers know, and this is what I do, is take a class on accents. Now I don't mean learn how to speak with an accent as many actors do, but how to understand anyone speaking English with an accent. I can now understand anyone on the planet that speaks English with an accent. I told them how this help me tremendously when I was overseas."



------Sigh I haven't taken a class on it, but I am pretty sure I can understand anyone on the planet that speaks English just like her. For me personally when I go overseas its the other languages, the ones I don't know, that I have issues with.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the hell away!!

To keep in the spirit of eating "healthy" here is today's story.

Two of the employees here went out to lunch recently to the local Boston Market. And sure enough sitting in the window enjoying her lunch was "Rachel" When "Rachel" saw the two employees she became startled and try to shift her position hoping that they didnt notice her. But it was too late, she was spotted. When the employees acknowledge her, "Rachel" did the polite thing and smiled back and said hello. Of course what was still on her table was her lunch. She was eating a chicken. Not a breast, or a wing or thigh, but the ENTIRE chicken, BY HERSELF.

When they all returned she immediately started telling on of the other workers here, "You know I eat a really big lunch because I eat a small breakfast and dinner. This way I can burn the calories throughout the day."

I am not a nutritionist or anything, but I do know that if you are going to eat any meal big it should be breakfast, not lunch. Also we all have seen her eat breakfast here at the office before. She usually orders a sandwich and juice from the deli in the building. Now by no means is this a grand meal but I guess it is a relatively small meal when compared to a chicken. But hey what do I know she is the one who eats "healthy"

No Such Thing as a Free Lunch

Someone inthe office cooked food and wanted a small donation for a plate to help cover the costs of the ingredients. Sometime before the food was even cooked, the chef talked to "Rachel" about the food that would be cooked. "Rachel's" response was---"I don't eat that kind of food. I only eat healthy and organic."

After a little while the food was out in our break room and "Rachel" got a little upset about having to pay for the food. "That's not right! Why should we have to pay to eat? We should be able to have a plate!" A few minutes later she was seen handing our chef a 5 spot and thanking the chef.

Our chef starts laughing and tells us "She was the main one talking about 'I only eat healthy foods.' Everything I said I was cooking she said, 'I don't eat that!'"

Our office buddy "Rachel" must have broken her diet that day because she had 3 plates of "unhealthy" food. Whats funny also is everytime the office caters in lunch for the employees she is always first in line to pile onto her plate and none of the office food is ever "healthy"

Another similar incident happened when "Rachel" claimed not to eat red meat, but then later that week there she was having a burger, of course when she was called out on it she said it "was only this one time she had a huge craving" Not that I am counting or anything but it seems that she has these craving at least 3 times a week.